“She Is Life”

I live in an unfitting part of this world for me. I assume that Indiana is a place for some to nestle up in and stay for their entire lives, but I know this is not true for me. I know now more than ever just how much this place is eating away at my insides. I’ve always realized that this state, especially in the scenic country areas in which I’ve spent most of my life is full of simple-minded, judgmental people and situations that force you to be a certain way, if you want to be accepted. If you stand your ground, which only comes naturally and one cannot help having their own opinions, then be prepared to live the life of a Midwest teenage struggling outcast, then get out of here as soon as it is humanly possible. Thinking about just how degrading most of the everyday surroundings of this place are is not something one should do very often, if ever…and so comes the inevitable detriment of dwelling. I had the unbelievably good fortune of being distracted from the negativity this place throws at all angles, and for a good 5 1/2 years. From the time I was 18 and lasting until the midway point of my 23rd year of existence, I was in a relationship that made me smile and laugh and love and live, with appreciation. She is the perfect creation, a wonderful human being, and a companion that truly made me believe in things I never would’ve thought I’d even think about had she not shown up in my life, namely real love, God, etc. I never gave extensive thought into leaving Indiana throughout those 5 1/2 years, this proven firmly by the fact that she and I rented a house, along with our beautiful doggy, for over a year. I’m not saying that I didn’t recognize that we could’ve been in a place that was better suited for who we were as people, because we talked about a number of spots we’d one day love to settle in, on many occasions. I’m simply trying to say that our surroundings, no matter how depressing they could be, never penetrated the love we built in our world. It was something indescribable, those 5 1/2 years, and something that I wish could’ve lasted a lifetime. The other week I spent my 24th birthday alone. It was the first birthday I spent without her. For the last nine months I have done nothing but dwell on the awful reality of my situation – that she is actually gone. Yes, I could leave and just randomly see where my shitty car takes me and at least live differently in unfamiliar surroundings, but there is something about this place that has kept me here. I told her, almost daily, that she was the first, last, and only person that I would ever kiss, laugh, hold hands, make love with. I told her at least five times a day how much I loved her and that I would do it forever. I believe those 5 1/2 years are meant to continue, to multiply by some high number that would result in a lifetime of one distinct love. She is life.