“She Is Life”

I live in an unfitting part of this world for me. I assume that Indiana is a place for some to nestle up in and stay for their entire lives, but I know this is not true for me. I know now more than ever just how much this place is eating away at my insides. I’ve always realized that this state, especially in the scenic country areas in which I’ve spent most of my life is full of simple-minded, judgmental people and situations that force you to be a certain way, if you want to be accepted. If you stand your ground, which only comes naturally and one cannot help having their own opinions, then be prepared to live the life of a Midwest teenage struggling outcast, then get out of here as soon as it is humanly possible. Thinking about just how degrading most of the everyday surroundings of this place are is not something one should do very often, if ever…and so comes the inevitable detriment of dwelling. I had the unbelievably good fortune of being distracted from the negativity this place throws at all angles, and for a good 5 1/2 years. From the time I was 18 and lasting until the midway point of my 23rd year of existence, I was in a relationship that made me smile and laugh and love and live, with appreciation. She is the perfect creation, a wonderful human being, and a companion that truly made me believe in things I never would’ve thought I’d even think about had she not shown up in my life, namely real love, God, etc. I never gave extensive thought into leaving Indiana throughout those 5 1/2 years, this proven firmly by the fact that she and I rented a house, along with our beautiful doggy, for over a year. I’m not saying that I didn’t recognize that we could’ve been in a place that was better suited for who we were as people, because we talked about a number of spots we’d one day love to settle in, on many occasions. I’m simply trying to say that our surroundings, no matter how depressing they could be, never penetrated the love we built in our world. It was something indescribable, those 5 1/2 years, and something that I wish could’ve lasted a lifetime. The other week I spent my 24th birthday alone. It was the first birthday I spent without her. For the last nine months I have done nothing but dwell on the awful reality of my situation – that she is actually gone. Yes, I could leave and just randomly see where my shitty car takes me and at least live differently in unfamiliar surroundings, but there is something about this place that has kept me here. I told her, almost daily, that she was the first, last, and only person that I would ever kiss, laugh, hold hands, make love with. I told her at least five times a day how much I loved her and that I would do it forever. I believe those 5 1/2 years are meant to continue, to multiply by some high number that would result in a lifetime of one distinct love. She is life.

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8 Responses to ““She Is Life””

  1. deanjbaker Says:

    good to see

  2. Ferguson Says:

    Thanks.

  3. Rodger Jacobs Says:

    No, dude. It’s your life that matters and that’s all. Another person, despite Hallmark sentiments to the contrary, cannot make you a whole. Meditate on what Aldous Huxley wrote on the topic: “Propinquity is not fusion.”

    Propinquity is not fusion, Ferguson.

  4. Ferguson Says:

    I appreciate different perspectives, angles, whatever you want to call them, on this thing that’s going on with me. I am listening, believe me. I have strong confidence in myself and my life moving forward, I just find no way I can do it with anyone by my side if it’s not her. It’s hard to fully get across, as only she and I and the immediate people that were close to us can see in the simplest of mannerisms. I will live, just in a way I never pictured doing so.

    “A Chance for calm, a hope for freedom
    outlet from my cold solitary kingdom
    by the forest of our spring stay where you walked away
    and left a bleeding part of me empty and bothered
    watching the water
    quiet in the corner, numb and falling through
    without you what does my life amount to”
    -Mark Kozelek

  5. Rodger Jacobs Says:

    Damnit, Ferguson, do the etymology (in other words, grab a dictionary, as I had to do the first time I read that Huxley quote) and look up the definition of the words “propinquity” and “fusion”. Consider their meaning in the following sentence (again): Propinquity is not fusion.

    You can do this math, Ferguson. I’m giving you an alternative mind set to meditate upon that may help you through this mess. And, believe me, you will get through it. Don’t mean to sound condescending, but young heartbreak is the worst heartbreak. Trust me. As you get older, heartbreak becomes an old friend.

  6. Ferguson Says:

    Thank you, Mr. Jacobs. Thank you.

  7. Elissa Says:

    I think this will forever kill me. It’s probably weird that I cared for you guys, as a couple, as I single person almost, somewhat like I care for you guys as your own people. I remember when I first hear it took a while to hit me and when it did, I cried. You two were the reason I actually believed in love, despite all the chaos and unhappiness, you two seemed to stop the world from spinning just by being with each other. I really do miss you guys being a couple, but this doesn’t mean I want you to sit around for years waiting. I know it’s your choice, either way, but you know how much I care for you and how much I worry about you, especially with this situation. I always feel weird even bringing her up, like I’m bringing up something that I shouldn’t be, because I almost feel like I shouldn’t. I just don’t want you in that state(of mind) forever, waiting. If only life could just be simple, eh? You know I’m always here for you and I don’t know if you have any idea how much you mean to me. In short, it’s a lot. If you ever need to escape for a little while, you can always come South and I can show you how ridiculously boring it is here and we can eat tacos and watch movies and make lists of everything we can possibly think of, and mixes, of course. And to think, there won’t be the bad cell phone reception making it hard to hear each other’s voices!

    Okay, this is long. But I just wanted to tell you I love you, you are a wonderful person and I don’t want you to ever forget that.

  8. Ferguson Says:

    I don’t know how I can get across just how much this means to me, Elissa. Thank you so much for always being a great friend to both of us, even through the rough times and confusing times and, very sorry for it – the absent times. I know it’s such an awful and still hard to believe situation, and bringing it up is something I always second-guess because I don’t want to make a gigantic mess about things and probably ball my eyes out on the keyboard or phone to you, which is embarrassing among other things even though I know you’d be understanding. I appreciate you so much, I hope you know how much it is too, because it’s just as much as you care for me. I can’t wait for our long overdue first meeting! It will be grand, we will do everything you said and more and it will fucking wipe away all of the shit that has been shading our recent days, weeks, months, and years. Life will be good again. Thank you so much again Elissa, it really means so much to me that you care. I love you too, grateful to know you.

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